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2:09 p.m. - 2004-12-15
dither
I suppose the real reason I don't have any interest in going out and meeting people is that I am wary of entanglement, which is a nasty distraction.
Real friends are ok but I don't want to be improved on or compared to or to otherwise wrangle with feeling "not good enough". I like myself fine as long as no-one constantly points out how I don't measure up. It seems like I am always too much or not enough. Procrustean society. One must either cut something off or add something on in order to qualify for the (unspecified) prize.
I just am happy to be and am not yet firm enough in this resolve to face up to the persuaders yet. Soon I will be able to just smile benignly at the critics.
The reason I am saying this stuff right now is that this nice young man named Jesse who helps the guys out with carpentering just came by to drop off some equipment and asked me for directions and I was dithered.
I want to just be normally friendly like I would with friends, but don't want a whole weird scene. OK. There is no problem.
It would be nice to just be able to exist as my real self without being fair game.
Sometimes I feel like a small country that is a very pleasant place to live until some larger powers bring their conflicts into my space. Who needs that?
But right from the time we are small, that is what happens. Well meaning people try to mould your being. I am perfectly willing to live and let live with others who feel the same.

 

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